Salsafication

I miss the glory days of chain restaurants when you could get hepatitis from a restaurant that’s name translated to Titties.

In 2004, Chi-Chi’s “salsafied” about 660 of its customers with hepatitis A and shortly thereafter shut down for good. And though Outback Steakhouse bought up a bunch of its buildings, it didn’t buy the recipes. So the recipe for the Chilotta — or in Italian, those who struggle, the downtrodden — is lost forever.

And if the rumors were true and Mexican pasta with blue-corn fettucine, Mexican pizza, or Mexican stir fry had made it out of development and onto the menu, who knows, maybe salsafication would have taken hold.

At Chi-Chi’s, Salsafication is more than a word. It’s an attitude. It’s a spirit. It’s a way of life. Salsafication to us is ensuring that our guests are greeted with a smile and that they leave with one. During the Salsafication experience, our guests will enjoy fast friendly service and delicious food and drink served in a fun, festive atmosphere. It’s what we’re all about.

In the end, the salsafication killed four in Pennsylvania from complications from hepatitis A and the federal government closed the doors on anyone else getting salsafied. It took five years, but the U.S. Trademark Office never agreed that the term was sufficiently “fanciful.”

I’m left with image of Volkswagen Beetles in giant sombreros spreading the word about the Declaration of Salsafication.

The Declaration of Salsification

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to solemnly declare the right to be free and salsified: absolved from all connection to the shackles of the bored, the ordinary and bland.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Chi-Chi’s are created to salsify our lives through good food, festive drink and the pursuit of some serious fun.

Further, it is the right of the people to abolish routine. As a free and salsified people, you have the full power to come together, to eat, to drink, to laugh, to be loud, to relax, to goof off, to pause.

On support of this declaration we pledge to you these articles of salsification for as long as the sun does rise. For … “Life always needs a little salsa.”